


Dandelion Lies

by Hoboschqualist



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety, Blood, Child Abuse, Childhood Sexual Abuse, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-13
Updated: 2015-07-13
Packaged: 2018-04-09 04:54:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4334621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hoboschqualist/pseuds/Hoboschqualist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Up to this point in his life, Hinata had kept things to himself. Never letting anyone know what happened in his home, and playing the part of the happy son. Friends he had made at this point had never noticed an issue, and he have never had to guard his secret more carefully that a simple lie or diversion. </p>
<p>Hinata never expected that when he got to high school and finally joined a real volleyball team, that he would have to juggle such a confused combination of lies. That there would be people seeking the truth and willing to help. That he might finally want to stop the lies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dandelion Lies

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure how often I will update this. I'm pretty swamped working on my master's thesis, but this story keeps rattling around in my brain. So, please excuse the tired ramblings of a grad student.

Do you ever think you’ve told one lie too many? That you’ve gotten to the point where there is very little you can do to make up for the stories you have created, or that you have become so entrenched in the lies you’ve told that even you begin to believe them yourself. But which is worse, being hyper aware of all the lies you tell, and feeling guilty after each new one, or just accepting that you’re a liar, and that very few things you say are completely true. I’m not talking huge unbelievable lies, but small ones. Lies so small and simple and fleeting, they are more like the fluff from a dandelion, seen briefly only to float away shortly after, forgotten. Even if these small lies are covering a big thing, surely lots of these little dandelion lies are better than being guilty of hulking, heavy lies. The kind of lies that are a phlegmy cling in your throat, impossible to ignore and incredibly annoying. 

But maybe that’s wrong too, maybe the more small lies you tell, especially about yourself, the more skewed and warped you portray yourself. Until one day you are no longer seen as the person you thought you were, and everyone you interact with only knows the person you pretend to be. All these little lies become intertwined and mixed together, until even you don’t quite know who you are. Until one day you tell one lie too many, that even as you say it you think, “Wait, that’s not right. Why did I say that?” Or even worse, “What I said was true…right?”

But how do you stop at this point? You’ve already gone this far. Could you really come clean to everyone and say, “Hey, sorry, I’ve been lying this whole time. This is the real me.” Would anyone still be around at that point, or would you find yourself alone. Having to face the new person you created, having to pull out the thread, trying to unravel and untangle yourself from this false person.

Or, instead of coming clean, do you continue to live the lies you tell? Accepting yourself as this amalgam of what is real and what you portray. Would that kind of life even be feasible, or would it eventually end the same way as if you had come clean in the first place?

Yeah, maybe the small lies are worse. With the big ones at least you can come clean all at once and have the relief. With all the small ones I’ve told, I’m not even sure where to begin, or what to fess up about.

“Kageyama, I lied about this….” “No I didn’t fall off my bike…” “Kageyama, I lied about that….” “He did it to me…” “Sorry I lied about that too...”

How do you work up the courage to tell the truth, when you know it will only make things worse. That others will be hurt to know you lied and kept things from them, and that you will be hurt when they leave and you are left to deal with the repercussions of telling the truth.

It’s even possible that once others know the truth, they will tell you it would have been better for you to have continued lying. That the truth is so grotesque, that people do not want to know, and that it is better kept behind closed doors. That once they know the truth, they will say you deserved what you got, or that they don’t believe you. That if you were lying before, how can they trust what you say now.

No, it’s better to keep on lying. The lies are protection, they are armor. The moment you let them drop, everything is finished. Everything you have done up until now will be over, and you will have lived a wasted life. Better to continue the lies and keep things the way they are. At least then you know what to expect.

Even if some day’s it’s hard to laugh and smile. That it’s hard to keep the sob gurgling at the base of your throat from pouring out. Even if you thought the small lies were tiny and forgettable. Even if one day you find that they never blew away. That instead they have been with you the whole time, growing under the skin, festering and twisting their roots together. Even if you know that one day they will sprout from your skin, exposing your lies and your shame, you will keep on lying. It’s not like you know any different.


End file.
